I'm keeping this one open, for rants and more descriptive uses, but I am ultimately changing the scenery. I figured that I needed something new -- something that wouldn't remind me of everything that I wish wouldn't have changed as abruptly as it had.

fauxconfidence

If you ask to be added, then I will add you. If not, then I'll just see what's going on with you via this journal.

Blah blah blah...

I've been going back and forth between here and New York, for the past two weeks. It's been fun... I guess, this week, I'll be going to Texas, depending on when we'll be able to get back later in the week. I have some date with my mom about invitations and other things on Friday.

I quit my job at Kohl's. I've never been happier.

Thanks to xluckyx, this idea has been stolen (though I just put iTunes on random)...

( life soundtrack )

...I take that back, while I wrote him twice, only one got to him. I just remembered that the other was returned because it got there after he went to AIT. I'm debating whether or not I should open it. Oh, hell, why not. I remember it being lame and uber sappy, which is why I wouldn't have blamed a guy for not wanting to have a girl like me at that point in time... But whatever, it never got to him.

I used it as a bookmark for my ASVAB book (how appropriate).

August 18, 2004

"Jason,

Hey! How are things going for you? Thinks have been rather uneventful, here. I think the most excitement I've had since you've left was due to finally getting myself a job. I work at a hardware store, and clearly, it's not exactly exciting, but at least I'm making some money. And speaking of work, how has Basic been? Have you gotten a chance to blow anything up yet? I'm sure that's a lot of fun, right? Heh heh.

So anyway, it's odd writing to you again. It's as if I'm talking to a wall or something, because I never hear from you. It's all good, though, I understand that there's a lot going on over there. Sometime, though, I think it might be nice to hear a response to the letter I gave you back in June... Good or bad, because I think that would make writing (and other things) easier between the two of us -- like a direction to go in, I guess. After you left, though, Chris told me that the two of you had talked about things in regards to the both of us, but as far as the good news between the two of us is concerned, I think I'd rather wait to actually hear it from you. I know that words can get switched around and whatnot.

And, with that being said, I'll let you go.

Take care,
Bethany

PfuckingS: How have you been doing? You have not missed much since you have been gone, besides the Fourth of July party that was a blast. Got some pictures for ya. Ain't got much to say. Write back this time, ya fuck.

Love ya,
Chris & Shannon :)"

I guess this just means that he did get the uber sappy one. Gross. I feel bad... I'd hate to have that note. I wonder if he threw it away?

I love how I fluctuate from one extreme to the next as the day progresses.

Jason's body should be home, now... If not now, then tomorrow. I guess this would mean that the wake would be either on Thursday or Friday. I keep thinking that if his body is home that if it were "normal" looking that his family would want to be there. Maybe that's just me... I just happen to find comfort in seeing a person one last time. I guess it's comforting in that sense, like... "He's finally home. One last time, I can be with him before all I stare at is a tombstone."

That's how I was when my grandfather died, at any rate. I held his hand from the moment he died until four hours had passed and we all made the decision to leave together. It was the last warm section of his body, which made me kind of sad... But happy, at the same time, as if I had done him some favor or something special.

I need to get a hold of Shannon, once I figure out when the wake is. I'm going to scream if I can't reach her, because I don't want to go to his wake by myself.

...I remember going to play flippy cup with him, Chris, Nick, Jessica, and Shannon. I remember the bonfire that was in his backyard when Chris kept telling Jason things about me so that he would hit on me, and sure enough he did. We ended up being the last ones to leave the area (both drunk and high), and I had to help him walk back to the house, because he would fall over, and pull me close to him. I was wearing my UCSC hoodie, that night. It was probably April, because it was still cool outside. I remember going into his room and sharing his bed (...). I remember exactly what he was wearing when I left, and that we were flipping channels and watching cartoons. I remember leaving the next day, and driving to the lake, and thinking about him the whole time. I remember coming back and wanting to hang out with him more. I remember helping him clear out his room (which is where I got the Zippo and keychain), with Chris, after Shannon left to work. I remember sitting on the picnic table and smoking cigarettes. We would watch his nephews and nieces and their dog Gidget. I remember his going away party at Mark's house, and how he was trying to get back with Rachel. I remember crying, as some band played a horrible cover of, "Rebel of the Sacred Heart," by Flogging Molly. I remember staying out there, until Warren, Mark, Chris, Jason, and I were the last ones... Because Shannon, Jessica, and everyone else had finally gone to bed. We were all taking shots of Early Times, because that was Warren's favorite whiskey. Everyone left to go back, and Jason swore that he would be able to make it on his own. The path was winding, and gravel for half of it. I walked with him, until he fell into an alfalfa field. I then laughed and plopped down next to him. We had a drunken moment... And then walked back to Mark's house, where Jason decided he was going to get sick and tried to straddle the railing. I told him he couldn't. He got sick. We went to bed in different rooms, and I hated it. I remember a couple of days later going to his house, along with Nick, Jessica, Emily, Shannon, and Chris. We went there, and then traveled over to Nick and Emily's mom's house and had some cake. We took some group pictures on the front porch. Then we headed to the softball field for the girls' softball game. Jason drove himself so that he could leave. He forgot his cigarettes, so I gave him my last one. We then walked back, he said goodbye, and we all hugged him. I remember being the last and feeling awkward about the whole situation. I remember after the game going back to Nick and Jessica's. They were all going to party, and Chris wanted to know if I wanted to say, and I remember wanting to go home. I got halfway down the block and cried the majority of the way home. He went to basic at Fort Leonardwood. I got the address from Angie. I remember that's when my periods started to become wacky, and Shannon, Jessica, and I walked to the drug store to get some pregnancy tests. I wasn't pregnant. I then wrote to him twice while he was in basic. He never wrote back. I called, once he came home. He forgot who I was, apparently... Who knows. I'm not going to question that, though, because it was nearly three years ago.

It's just weird, now, all of this... It'll only be more awkward, though -- seeing him in a casket. And I'm sure you can figure out which one he is in the picture.

I've always wanted someone to meet me a dream and explain that either a.) Heaven is a tangible thing after death or b.) there is no Heaven, bodies and souls just sit in dark boxes, paralyzed, as the bugs make their way in to attend some sort or surreal feast.

I have never been terribly religous, but I have to believe that option A is realistic, because the body loses x-amount of weight when a person dies (it's just ounces). Also, I've talked to many people who have the same views of Heaven as I do.

I think, ever since my grandfather died, I've wanted to visit. I've wanted to know what it really was like. What I have really wanted was to go... And I know that we all have to wait our turns, but sometimes I get distracted and tired of waiting, because some of the most amazing people that I have met no longer roam around aimlessly like we do with stupid jobs and shit.

I hope I die young... It won't be by my own hands, or intentionally, but I'd rather be in my prime than old with no one to care for or about me.

I was working for forty-five minutes, and I had a call. I was on the cash register, so I was asked if the call was a personal call, by a manager. I said that it was, and she told me that it wasn't allowed and that I had to get off of the phone. I interrupted Dan and told him that I had to leave.

At that point, it took an immense amount of will power not to break down. I think the customers knew, though, due to the biting of the bottom lip, the wavering voice, and short glances in their direction.

After my line had cleared, the manager who asked me to hang up came and stood in front of me and said how it was unacceptable to take a call while on the phone. I broke down, and she asked me to come with her.

She asked what was wrong; and if it was a boy. I said it was, and she just chuckled and said that they're stupid. And I had to stop for a moment to catch my breath and explain. "Dan hit is head, he's in the hospital because there's some sort of bleeding near his brain; and on top of that, I lost a friend in Iraq this week. I'm sorry that I'm being such a baby, because I don't normally cry in front of people..."

She then told me that I could go and leave. Then, everyone else wanted to know what was going on, and I didn't even say one word to them, I just shook my head and said, "I'm fine."

Unless I have a close bond with someone, I hate people who pry.

...I remember writing to him while he was at Fort Leonardwood. I remember making an ass of myself afterward, when I wouldn't shut up about him to Shannon. I remember keeping hope alive that something would happen between us. I remember going through pregnancy tests, I remember the CD that I burned then to listen to while he was gon, bon fires at his house, being drunk almost every day during the summer...

I remember calling his mom when he had come home from Basic and AIT, and asking for him. I remember him forgetting about who I was. I remember I was crushed.

I still have the Old Navy keychain and Army zippo he gave me. Dan hates them. Oh well.

And I remember absolutely loving everything about the friends that we had made. Now, she and I don't talk to any of them, or do anything that we used to.

I miss that, and I would love to be that carefree again.

Jason Beadles becomes 5th soldier with La Porte County ties to die in Mideast

LA PORTE -- He may have been a hulking 6 feet, 3 inches and 230 pounds, but Jason Beadles was always a big child at heart.

That’s how Jason’s mother Delona and father Roger will forever remember their 22-year-old son who died in Iraq, possibly Thursday.

It is believed that their youngest son, a U.S. Army specialist and a heavy-equipment operator, died as a result of electrocution, though she doesn’t know if that occurred in combat or by accident.

Two U.S. Army officers went to the Beadles’ Monroe Street home Thursday morning to tell the family of Jason’s death. From that moment on, the home has been overrun with family and friends offering comfort and prayers for the soldier who was a kid stuck inside a man’s body.

“A lot of tears I’m just numb,” Delona told The La Porte County Herald-Argus this morning.

Jason’s body will be taken to Dover, Md., in a few days, where it will be prepared, then to South Bend and finally La Porte sometime next week.

Beadles is the fifth soldier with La Porte County ties to die in the Mideast. U.S. Army Sgt. David Heath, 30, of La Porte, was killed in August 2004 when his patrol came under small-arms fire and a rocket-propelled grenade attack in the Sadr City district of Baghdad. His grave is in Patton Cemetery. Army Cpl. Nathaniel Baughman, 23, died in July 2006 of injuries sustained in Bayji, Iraq, when his convoy came under attack by a grenade. He had lived in La Porte with his family during the 1990s and attended several La Porte grade schools. Cpl. Sascha Struble, 20, of Hanna, died in Afghanistan in April 2005 when the military helicopter in which she was riding crashed in the desert. Sgt. Kraig Foyteck, 26, died in October 2006 in Mosul, Iraq, when a bullet or mortar fragment hit him in the neck. His parents and grandparents live here.

It was common to see Jason wrestling with his three nephews and two nieces, his parents said.

“Uncle Jason was as much a kid as they were. He could easily be found playing in the sandbox or a pile of leaves,” said Delona, 48.

Camping, hunting, bonfires and country music were among the things Jason loved in life.

“He was happy-go-lucky. He always tried to find something fun and positive in everything.”

Jason, the youngest of three brothers, was the sort of kid who always at his mother’s side, wanting to protect her.

“He wouldn’t go to bed until he knew I was home from work.”

Delona last spoke with her son by phone Easter Sunday. Because he would go on missions for two to three weeks at a time, Jason, a 2003 La Porte High School graduate, didn’t even know that Sunday was Easter, Delona said.

Deciding to join the Army after the 9-11 attacks, Jason left for Iraq in late October 2006 and returned to La Porte for the last time for a two-week leave in February. The Beadles family made the most of their time with their son and brother by sharing stories around the living room fireplace.

“He stayed really close to the family (during that time). He really just wanted to be home,” she said.

But while he cherished the time he spent with his “very large and very close family,” Jason, as well as his older brother Josh, 27, who has also served with the Army in Iraq and who returned to La Porte only three days before Jason left for Iraq, have stood adamantly behind the U.S. mission to bring peace and stability to Iraq.

“He shared that he was really doing a good thing and that we should be there,” Delona said. “Both of my sons said the Iraqi people are grateful for what they’ve done and that they really are making a difference in improving their lives.”

Just before Jason returned to La Porte in February, he earned a commendation for his role in thwarting an ambush against him and his unit that included the capture of the insurgents.

Roger Beadles, 48, who served in the Army during peacetime, has four brothers who served in the Vietnam War -- all four came home alive.

Delona, who has a 25-year-old son, Jeremy, who’s not in the military, also has to carry the burden of dwelling over the fact that Josh is scheduled to return to Iraq this September.

“I’m horrified,” Delona said, crying. “If there is any way to talk him out of it (but) he shares the same commitment (as Jason did). I would love to see (U.S. troops) come home so another son or daughter isn’t killed.”

I love the new emails I am getting from certain corporations that explain to me, "Hey, we can't charge our bullshit onto your card anymore. You're such a loser, Bethany Lewis."

Thanks. I love being in debt as much as you love not getting money from me.

Also, Government + 1099 Tax Form = Owing the IRS $700.

The best part is the fact that I was never notified about this taxation from the one job that I was told would be an "under the table" ordeal. And even better yet is the fact that I would allow friends to come and help me, split the earnings with them, and then... I'm still getting taxed for the money that I allotted for them.

Ugh.

Does it make me a terrible person if one of the main attractions of getting married that has got me excited is the fact that I get to put a bumper sticker saying "Proud Trucker Wife" on my car?

Hah. Really, I'm not joking!

I didn't buy delphiniums, yesterday. I also neglected to put on my necklace. For some reason, also, those reasons brought tears to my eyes. Perhaps, it was because it would have been his birthday.

It still was his birthday. Being dead doesn't make it go away.

I remember being thirteen and crying myself to sleep because I thought it was terribly unfair that I couldn't spend more time with him. Reason number two to commit suicide, that was.

I guess, now, I just miss his voice and wish that he would have been here to see the four of us grow up.

Ultimately, I just want a hug that will last forever.

I don't know why I found it so odd to hear that my aunt is moving in with my last "real" uncle -- the only man that she seemed to be married to for more than a year. Good for them, maybe they'll be able to work things out again. He seems to be the only constant man in her life, since he adopted the boys back in the day.

And speaking of the boys... I guess Brad is living with Sara(h) and her parents. Apparently, they had an extra room, her mom is always home, and that was something that my aunt wasn't able to give him, because her shifts have always changed and he was randomly getting into trouble. I just found it odd... I'm not attempting to judge, it's just the first that I've heard of it, so it's kind of like, "whoa... Someone kind of adopted him, but not really."

Awkward is probably the best adjective to describe the aspects of this entry.

I love looking like a douchebag...

( Newspaper Article. )