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I'm keeping this one open, for rants and more descriptive uses, but I am ultimately changing the scenery. I figured that I needed something new -- something that wouldn't remind me of everything that I wish wouldn't have changed as abruptly as it had.

fauxconfidence


If you ask to be added, then I will add you. If not, then I'll just see what's going on with you via this journal.

May. 31st, 2007

the majority of what the two of us have been talking about is change, and maybe that's a good thing. it's the inevitable thing that we have been needing to talk about. it's the reason why we are in two different places in our lives; and ultimately the reason why we don't get along as well as we had over a year ago.

you had mentioned how i have changed so much, since being with dan, and i have. i have grown to add another person to my life, and consider him to be the other half of my being. i have to consider the things that he wants out of life, and we have to at least come to a general consensus about where things are going in regard to certain aspects. as for my ideas about school and where i want to be in life, you're right, those have changed too. i'm not going back after this semester. i'll go back in about five years. some of us have to work harder than others to keep ourselves afloat, and because of the bills that he and i have combined, we need to work extra hard to do this. i am willing to sacrifice what i want so that we can get out of debt and look toward someday having a place to call not just home, but our home. then there's also the idea of having children, which isn't the easiest of processes, because different procedures may fail, and adoption is outrageously expensive. all of these things that i have mentioned are reasons why we are looking to save up as soon as possible. i don't intend on being a truck driver for twenty years. i'm giving it about five, and then i'm going back to school, because it only makes sense -- i'm halfway done.

sometimes, you have to accept "defeat" and find a way to make things work out for you, and that's what i am doing. i'm making sure that there's a way to have certain bases covered. this is why the old bethany is gone.

i'm sure that you know what i mean: at one point you were content with where your life was going, and then everything changed, and you had to learn to adapt to it -- regardless of whether or not it was positive.

and while we all attempted to adapt to things, no one is perfect, and there will always be glitches in the grand scheme of things. your son, trey, is a wonderful thing in you and your families lives. he's a wonderful addition to the relationship that you and i have, however, it's also one of the reasons why i keep my distance from you. i don't know what it is like to be a mother. i don't know of how to relate to you. it's not the same, because i can't call you up out of nowhere and be like, "get your ass over here, we're going to such and such place!" there's no more of that whimsical chaos in our relationship, because you've grown up, adapted to being a mother, and i am still here... feeling more or less like a child. i can't call you at one o' clock in the morning, just for the hell of it, without wondering whether or not i'm going to wake trey up.

like i said before -- trey is not a negative point in this conversation, so don't take it like that (if you have been). he is the greatest thing to grace your lives, and i certainly enjoy spending time with him. i just didn't see our lives turning out like this in high school. of course, there is no turning back, and that's fine... i just wish that there was still some of that carefree feeling in our relationship with one another again.

i wish we would have adapted to the situations we have been in within the past couple of years as sisters. maybe if we both had looked harder, we would have seen that the bond had been there for years, but we went our separate ways and now we're at this point.

when you moved into the apartment, i was keeping my distance from you, because i didn't want to deal with the negativity toward dan, which i felt was also being dumped on me, as if i was his bearer of bad news. i also thought that it was odd that michelle was always over, and i generally got the impression that you were bonding with her more like we used to, so i said to myself, "i'll adapt, i'll learn to let her share what we once had with someone else," and i ultimately have been keeping my distance from you since then, because i haven't had the slightest idea as to where the relationship that you and i have has gone.

and you're right -- laura is my maid of honor, because of all of this change. it was the fact that i felt like you didn't support the relationship with dan that made my mind up. it was the fact that because i knew that you didn't like him that i felt that i couldn't come to you anymore about issues, especially in regard to him, without having to wonder about whether or not you were going to roll your eyes at me. it was the insecurity i felt within our relationship then, that caused me to ultimately adapt to a new path in my life.

but all things considered, like i had mentioned in the previous message that i had sent you -- i would like to have our relationship back. i don't know if it can be completely mended, but i do believe that we should be able to salvage the best points that we both feel that we have been neglecting here recently.

--bethany

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May. 28th, 2007

Blah blah blah...

I've been going back and forth between here and New York, for the past two weeks. It's been fun... I guess, this week, I'll be going to Texas, depending on when we'll be able to get back later in the week. I have some date with my mom about invitations and other things on Friday.

I quit my job at Kohl's. I've never been happier.

May. 1st, 2007

Thanks to xluckyx, this idea has been stolen (though I just put iTunes on random)...

life soundtrackCollapse )

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...I take that back, while I wrote him twice, only one got to him. I just remembered that the other was returned because it got there after he went to AIT. I'm debating whether or not I should open it. Oh, hell, why not. I remember it being lame and uber sappy, which is why I wouldn't have blamed a guy for not wanting to have a girl like me at that point in time... But whatever, it never got to him.

I used it as a bookmark for my ASVAB book (how appropriate).

August 18, 2004

"Jason,

Hey! How are things going for you? Thinks have been rather uneventful, here. I think the most excitement I've had since you've left was due to finally getting myself a job. I work at a hardware store, and clearly, it's not exactly exciting, but at least I'm making some money. And speaking of work, how has Basic been? Have you gotten a chance to blow anything up yet? I'm sure that's a lot of fun, right? Heh heh.
So anyway, it's odd writing to you again. It's as if I'm talking to a wall or something, because I never hear from you. It's all good, though, I understand that there's a lot going on over there. Sometime, though, I think it might be nice to hear a response to the letter I gave you back in June... Good or bad, because I think that would make writing (and other things) easier between the two of us -- like a direction to go in, I guess. After you left, though, Chris told me that the two of you had talked about things in regards to the both of us, but as far as the good news between the two of us is concerned, I think I'd rather wait to actually hear it from you. I know that words can get switched around and whatnot.
And, with that being said, I'll let you go.

Take care,
Bethany

PfuckingS: How have you been doing? You have not missed much since you have been gone, besides the Fourth of July party that was a blast. Got some pictures for ya. Ain't got much to say. Write back this time, ya fuck.

Love ya,
Chris & Shannon :)"



I guess this just means that he did get the uber sappy one. Gross. I feel bad... I'd hate to have that note. I wonder if he threw it away?

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